Email Exchange

FROM: Right Brain

TO: Left Leg

SUBJECT: Any day now

            I said move, bitch.

                                    --R. Brain

FROM: Left Leg

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: Re: Any day now

            Shove it up your frontal lobe.

                                    --L. Leg

            P.S. No.

FROM: Right Brain

TO: Left Leg

SUBJECT: Did I mention you’re a pussy?

You realize of course that Right Leg would be up those stairs and back again before you even managed to lift a toe, right?

                        --R. Brain

FROM: Left Leg

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: Did I mention you’re a dick?

Why don’t you ask him to move then?  Oh wait.  That’s right.  You can’t control your own half of this body.

                        --L. Leg

FROM: Right Brain

TO: Left Brain

SUBJECT: Left Leg/Right Leg

            Left Leg is being a bitch.  Get Right Leg to move, will you?

                                    --R. Brain

FROM: Left Brain

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: Re: Left Leg/Right Leg

            I would rather not get involved in this.  Beside which, Left Leg always leads.

                                    --L. Brain

FROM: Right Brain

TO: Left Brain

SUBJECT: WTF

You’d rather not get involved?  You’re as big a pain in the ass as Left Leg.  Just tell Right Leg to motor.  I don’t give a shit who always leads.  I want up those stairs.

                        --R. Brain

FROM: Left Leg

TO: Right Leg

SUBJECT: Right Brain the Dick

Can you believe this?  I’m totally wiped and Right Brain just keeps nagging nagging nagging.  It’s like, Hi, I have muscles and they hurt, ok?  Back the fuck off.  You’re so lucky.  Left Brain is so much more chill.  How are you feeling anyway? 

                        --L. Leg

FROM: Right Leg

TO: Left Leg

SUBJECT: Re: Right Brain the Dick

Yeah, I’m about to collapse.  I think I could maybe do one stair, but there’s not much point in that, is there?  Anyway, Left Brain is kind of a douche too, just in a different way. 

                        --R. Leg

FROM: Left Brain

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: What is this really about?

Have you stopped to examine why you want up the stairs?  Maybe if you seriously consider that, I’ll consider speaking with Right Leg.

                                    --L. Brain

FROM: Right Brain

TO: Left Brain

SUBJECT: Food and sex

That’s what this is about.  Are you fucking kidding me?  There’s a hot meal and a penis right at the top of those stairs and we could be swimming in both in a matter of minutes if the Legs would just get it the fuck together. Who doesn’t want food and sex?  Nobody.  I mean, let’s put it to a vote.  Watch it.

                                    --R. Brain

FROM: Right Brain

TO: all body parts

SUBJECT: Quick poll

Attention, folks: there’s food and sex at the top of these here stairs, but Left Leg doesn’t quite feel like hoofing it up there.  I thought I’d let everyone else know.  What do we want to do about this free food and sex?

                                    --R. Brain

FROM: Left Leg

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: Re: Quick poll

            You’re a total dick.

                                    --L. Leg

            P.S. I sincerely hate you.

FROM: Left Brain

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: Re: Quick Poll

            That was very immature.

                                    --L. Brain

FROM: Stomach

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: Re: Quick Poll

           

            FEED ME.

                                    --Stomach

            P.S. Really.  I’m starving.  It’s been like three lifetimes since lunch.

FROM: Vagina

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: Re: Quick Poll

            Yes please.

                                    --Vagina

FROM: Clitoris

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: Re: Quick Poll

            Well, there’s a no-brainer.  Ha ha.

                                    --Clitoris

            P.S. Vagina already responded before me, didn’t she?  Such a slut.

FROM: Mouth

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: Re: Quick Poll

That sounds good.  You think it’ll happen soon?  Are we talking like in the next few minutes?  Will you let me know when you know? 

                                    --Mouth

FROM: Large Intestine

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: Re: Quick Poll

            Nothing spicy, alright?  I can’t handle anything spicy right now.

                                    --L. Intestine

FROM: Right Brain

TO: Left Brain

SUBJECT: The parts have spoken

The results are in.  Everyone is either totally for or completely indifferent to going up the stairs.  But really, when you think about, if they’re not actually against the idea of going, then they’re essentially for it.  So I’ve got 100% approval from the whole body except the Legs.  Suck on that, Mr. Mature.

                                    --R. Brain

FROM: Left Brain

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: You may be sick

            You should seriously consider seeking help out.

                                    --L. Brain

FROM: Right Brain

TO: Left Leg

SUBJECT: Any. Day. Now.

ATTACHMENT: foodsexlist.doc

Take a few moments to look over that list.  You see that?  That’s all the other body parts expressing their desire to get in on that food and sex.  It’s also the list of parts that hate your lazy selfish whiny guts.  So, what’s it going to be?  If you’re ok with being public enemy number one, go for it.  You can just stand there and feel the hatred pulsing toward you.  Or you can climb the fucking stairs. You’re move.

                                    --R. Brain

FROM: Right Leg

TO: Left Leg

SUBJECT: Just do it

         

That was a dick move, I admit, but come on.  We won’t hear the end of this if we don’t get up there now.  Also, Left Brain won’t shut up.  Please put me out of my misery.

                                    --R. Leg

FROM: Left Leg

TO: Right Brain

SUBJECT: Re: Any. Day. Now

            Whatever.

                                    --L. Leg

And that’s how I got up the stairs.